עדמתי? דצמבר 13 – It All Ends

      I’m done. Two words, so short. Yet for so long I thought about them, dreamt about them. A year and a half finished, Michve Alon, combat training, commander training, all done. No more hikes or sleepless nights or shivizuit yom aleph or hating commanders or missing home. I’ve accomplished so much, survived the IDF. So why do I feel so empty? 
I feel like I’m leaving my home. My family. A place that at times I hated so much, but I always flourished in. The comradary, the meaningfulness, the friends, the challenge, and it’s suddenly over. I don’t know whether to cry or to shout. I’m scared of getting out. I’m scared of free time, and losing these friends I’ve made. I’m afraid of the monotony and meaninglessness of day to day life. I’m worried I won’t fit in again, that I won’t want to fit in again. I’m afraid I’m leaving behind something that I will miss for the rest of my life. I don’t know how to tell people about what I went through. It’s like, how can I describe to someone what a flower smells like to someone who can’t smell? I can try, but unless you’ve smelt the flower before, you probably won’t get it. How can I describe the army to someone who hasn’t done it?How can they even begin to understand the complex love hate relationship? Of what it’s like to not sleep or eat, in the heat and the cold, in the rain and mud, with 80lbs of gear, and to keep going, when everything says to me “stop, quit…just give up right now.” And the only thing that keeps me going is my friend next to me, who is suffering just as much. Of how in eight months I could go from not knowing their names or even their language to being willing to kill and die for every single one of them. I can’t explain that to you. And even if I did. You wouldn’t understand.
I want people to know how much I love them and will miss them, how I’ll never forget them, but that it was time for me to leave. I want people to know that I gave everything I could and more, pushed myself beyond what I thought my physical and emotional limits were. My year and a half was up, and as much as I thought and tortured myself over thoughts of extending my service, I just couldn’t. I need to be home with my family and start the next chapter. But the IDF, Nahal, Gdud 50, machlaka 2 will forever be apart of my life. And if any of you wants to visit Alaska, you are always welcome. 

2 comments On עדמתי? דצמבר 13 – It All Ends

  • Sorry we never had a chance to meet, but you blogs were really something else to read. Even though we never really got to know one another, KOL HAKAVOD!!

    I’m certain that your Mishpacha (family) are quite PROUD of you and all that you have accomplished.

  • Sorry we never had a chance to meet, but you blogs were really something else to read. Even though we never really got to know one another, KOL HAKAVOD!!

    I’m certain that your Mishpacha (family) are quite PROUD of you and all that you have accomplished.

Leave a reply:

Your email address will not be published.

Site Footer

Sliding Sidebar